Are You Worthy? The Ultimate High-Heel Test

I have been getting some questions lately on how I find towering shoes that are walkable.  Considering I wore high heels every. single. day. from 7th grade to being 3 months pregnant, I’ve had a bit of practice.  But besides undergoing extensive training, I always put any prospective shoe through my “Shoe, Are You Worthy?” Test.  The following is a test, created by me, to determine if a pair is a keeper:

1. Take both the left and right shoe out of the box, remove tissue paper, and place them on the correct feet.
2. Do they hurt already? If yes, abandon. If no, proceed to #3.
3. Pick up a purse and place on one shoulder.
4. Pick up an overflowing diaper bag and place on opposite shoulder.
5. Pick up a toddler, or if no toddler is available, a netted-sack of oranges weighing approximately 27 lbs.
6. Have you started to lose, or have you completely lost, feeling in your toes? If yes, abandon. If no, proceed to #7.
7. Put toddler/oranges down.
8. Let toddler run away, or if no toddler is available, use your imagination.
9. Wait 6 seconds.
10. Now sprint after (imaginary) toddler.
11. Do you feel a painful, electric-like current shoot through your foot coupled with excessive pain on the heel, ball, or toe area? If yes, abandon. If no, proceed to #12.
12. Look in the mirror.
13. Do shoes make your ankles resemble tree trunks?  If yes, abandon.  If no, proceed to #14
14. Take off both shoes.
15. Wait two minutes.
16. Inspect both feet without looking like a complete weirdo.
17. Are there tortured-looking, pre-blister red spots forming on either or both feet?  If yes, abandon. If no proceed to #18.
18. Take ‘em home and break ‘em in while frying some eggs and bacon (shopping makes me hungry).
19. Congratulations to me!  The pair is now officially a part of the wardrobe!

As you can see, my shoes are influenced by the fact that I am a Mama.  I pretty much look for how hot a shoe I can get away with while still managing an energetic toddler.  Do you have a shoe test that you put your shoes through?  Come on, don’t tell me I’m the only one!